A fetish nursing home for your retirement? Thoughts by Velvet Tripp

While out the other night, we got into a conversation about old age and fetish. We had a laugh considering what kind of nursing home would be ideal for elderly fetishists. We know for a fact the urges to be sexual don’t go away, and a sweet tale of a ninety-something asking a member of staff in a nursing home to buy her a new vibrator while out shopping made us think (she apparently asked for a glow-in-the-dark one so she wouldn’t lose it under the duvet!).

There are the obvious jokes – sensory deprivation achieved by removing glasses and hearing aids, restraint by taking away walking frames, and caning done somewhere the dom can get a run-up to the sub’s backside using a mobility scooter with the cane held out at the right level. But since we recently posted here about a bondage garden, we thought: why not a fetish nursing home? The house and gardens could also be adapted to the special needs of the physically challenged.

Equipment for lifting could be used or converted to use as a sling, but if the dom involved also was unsteady, a walking frame would need to be stabilised in some way to work with only one hand steadying it instead of two.

Whipping benches may need to be lower so that the dom could sit down to do the business, and bondage tape might be easier to deal with than rope. Gags would possibly be difficult with false teeth (if anyone can enlighten me on that one I’d be grateful as my own teeth aren’t brilliant and might not last the course).

Blindfolds are simple enough, but what about suspension, whipping, crops etc? Maybe a sling could be used under tired bones once ropes have gone on for suspension. A pulley would get the sub and sling in position. Some equipment to keep an unsteady dom upright while wielding a whip, and perhaps a nurse to catch him on standby would be in order.

And of course they’d have to stock plenty of lube for the residents and extra power sockets for all those magic wands and other paraphernalia that doms carry around in their suitcases full of toys. The suitcases wouldn’t be needed, but plenty of storage would, and be easy to access.

Then there’s the music. Hopefully they’ll play Combichrist, Nine Inch Nails and other such atmospheric stuff for play nights. Don’t laugh; even these days, some people in nursing homes are in their sixties and thus spent their formative years listening to Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix – it’s not that unusual to hear such stuff in homes, apparently. I can’t imagine playing to Boyzone or Herman’s Hermits, though…

In the garden the arbour would need a winch to get you up there. Nettles might be a bit too cruel for thin, delicate elderly skin but there are other plants that would give a milder rash! The cold stone whipping bench could be padded with cushions and kneeler pads (the sort you use for gardening) left around for residents use. A few walking stick cabbages could be grown for their later use to help subs back to their feet after using the kneeler pads.

What kit could you dream up for a specialist fetish old people’s home or complex?

Contract for Sex At Work

I had an email this morning. It was from my publisher (Xcite Books uk) or .com for a short story I wrote last year and which is due to be published, I believe, around March time. I had to laugh. The subject line of the email relates to the theme of the collection my story will be in which is Sex At Work. So the subject line actually reads ‘Contract for sex at work’! Wonderful. I wish I could get a permanent contract like that. License to have fun or what? The mind fairly boggles at the thought. Would any real work get done under a contract such as this? Would anyone be sat at their desks or on the shop floor (giggle – they might, but with a contract like that what would they be DOING on the shop floor?). Ideas on a postcard please (or in comments). We’d love to hear from you. Happy new year and I hope your sexploits this year are all happy and memorable ones.

Velvet Tripp

Happy New Year – and have sexy fun with your resolutions!

This is what comes of idly surfing the internet. Various sources offer ideas for New Year resolutions.

The Times of India suggests:

1. Vow to devote ‘more time’ to the act.
2. Promise to ‘experiment’ – Fulani comments: the original suggests ‘you might just discover an all new moan zone in your partner’s body’. Well, yes. On the other hand, if you arrive home and your partner has all the power tools out, be suspicious.
3. Pledge to revisit your sensual side – Fulani comments: they mention perfumed body oils, scented candles, satin sheets, and silk scarves. Well, you can’t be using the cuffs, chains, whips and gags all the time – you should surprise your partner occasionally!
4. Vow to become a ‘touchy-feely’ couple
5. Speak up if you are not liking something – Fulani comments: remember ‘ouch’ is not a safeword.
6. Also speak-up if it is working for you
7. You’ll try to keep kids out of your bedroom – Fulani comments: remember the article was published in a country where overcrowding is a common problem!
8. At times even ‘no-mood’ sex will be welcomed
9. Vow to lose control and break the routine!
10. Go liberal with contraceptive methods – Fulani comments: remember this comes from a country where having children is often considered a good thing…

Ask Men suggests:

1. Be more spontaneous – Fulani comments: ‘Erm, be spontaneous – now! And make sure you’re properly prepared for your sponteneity!’
2. Try new positions
3. Try new locations
4. Talk more sex
5. Get kinkier

The FoxSexExpert at Fox News suggests 17 resolutions. OKay, we’ve cheated because these were for 2010. But 17 resolutions? Who has that many?

1. Let the spirit move you — sexually speaking.
2. Set up your own sex program.
3. Engage in all sorts of erotic talk.
4. Do something you would never do in the sack.
5. Have sex in every room. Fulani comments – we think they meant in your own house. But why not be creative?
6. Ask for what you want.
7. Have more sex.
8. Cultivate your sexual connection.
9. Become “sex positive.”
10. Learn a new trick.
11. Go on more dates.
12. Become “that” couple. Fulani comments – altermatively, become “that” threesome, or whatever combination moves you…
13. Take a sex workshop.
14. Move on.
15. Get in tune with your sexual self.
16. Fight for your sexual rights – or another’s. Fulani comments – seriously, though, sexual rights are still major issues in many parts of the world and there are still big human rights battles to be fought in many countries…
17. Enjoy your efforts!

Finally, Betty Confidential has only four resolutions but they’re good, practical, down-to-earth ones. Since we have a friend who works in a gay sexual health project, we think number 2 is particularly important for everyone…

1. Take Charge of Your Sexual Pleasure

2. Take Charge of Your Sexual Health

3. Take Charge of Your Relationships

4. After Your Mistakes, Do Something

Whatever sexy resolutions you make, have fun and enjoy 2011! And let us know what resolutions you made…


Ten things a sub doesn’t want to hear when they’re tied up…

The weather here is minus something or other and more snow forecast, plus chaos on the roads. But if you’re stuck at home and snowed in, at least we can entertain you with a few bdsm-related jokes!

Ten things a sub doesn’t want to hear when they’re tied up…
#1 You won’t need a safeword. The voices in my head will tell me when you’ve had enough.
#2 Safeword? What’s a safeword?
#3 [Key turning in lock] Shit! My parents said they wouldn’t be back until tomorrow!
#4 Oh mighty Abaddon, please accept this my sacrifice to you!
#5 Damn, I forgot my medication. Never mind, I’m sure I’ll be fine.
#6 You know, I could have sworn I put my pet snake back in its tank.
#7 You know, my last sub didn’t understand me… That reminds me, I missed my appointment with the probation officer.
#8 No, really. When I saw this in the movie it worked fine!
#9 [Telephone rings] Hello? Yes, no problem, why don’t you all just come on over!
#10 Um, if this is the tube of KY, what did I just put on your…?

We couldn’t find any appropriate pics but if we do, we’ll post them later!

PS Fulani has a few more at fulanismut.blogspot.com.

Unkle Fulani’s problem page…no.1…to make you smile!

Q: why have all my socks gone missing?

You have an infestation of sock goblins.

What on earth are they?

Goblins, sometimes also known as knockers, trows, bogles, or wichtlein, are native to Northern Europe. They are natural pranksters who enjoy disarranging your home thus ensuring you can’t find things. However, they are also sock fetishists and have very likely stolen your socks for their own sexual gratification.

But I don’t believe in goblins

Some of us don’t believe in the Inland Revenue but it doesn’t make taxes go away. The goblins don’t care whether you believe in them or not. In fact, your not believing in them makes it easier for them to live in your house and carry out their fetishistic activities.

What do you mean, they’re sock fetishists?

They enjoy the form and style of socks, also the feel of them against their rough skin, and are known to experience heightened sexual response to unwashed socks especially, which they sniff. Should you find socks that contain either viscous or dried mustard-coloured fluids, unfortunately these will have been left inadvertently in your house following onanistic practices. The fluids are however acidic and very likely the only evidence you’ll find will be a single unwashed sock, with a hole it in, possibly stuffed under your sofa or behind the TV set.

Socks that are particularly attractive to goblins are women’s sports socks though there have recently been reports of long, gothic-style purple and black striped over-the-knee socks going missing.

How come I never see the goblins?

Goblins generally are about 30cm high, dark, hairy, ugly and given to wearing dark colours – black and grey. You may occasionally see an unwary one out of the corner of your eye, but they can move very fast, ensuring that even though they may be literally just behind you, they can scamper around you as you turn. They are also able to squeeze into tight spaces, such as between the cushions on the sofa.

Are they all sock fetishists?

There are a few panty and bra goblins (they tend to prefer silky G-strings for the concentration of scent on  narrow band of material), and increasingly we have come across evidence of goblins exhibiting a preference for leather, rubber or PVC in any form. The claim that there are now porno DVD goblins is still being debated because there is only limited evidence they have learned to operate electrical equipment. Basically they have followed our industrialised way of life and now exhibit a high degree of differentiation and specialisation. They are however quite a different species to gremlins, which prefer office environments and like sitting on photocopiers while they are operating.

Do they do anything else with my socks?

There is no definitive answer as yet. Some sources believe they simply hoard them in order to gain repeated sexual excitement. They may for example regard sniffing a set of three or four socks from different owners in the same way that you or I would appreciate a three or four course meal.

Others believe they eventually trade the socks for other articles such as clothes hangers. Some faethropologists claim goblins use clothes hangers for more dangerous sexual practices. There is also a market for socks among elves, who use the fibres of pre-worn clothing items to weave spells into their wall hangings and tapestries. There is as yet no evidence to support the trading of socks for clothes hangers, though it is possible a quite complex eco-system, or economy operates in which the elves obtain socks to make their spell-tapestries, which they sell to dry cleaning trolls in exchange for clothes hangers. They would thus make a profit from both the goblins and the trolls. This has not been empirically proven, however.

Are the goblins dangerous?

Although historically they have been known to weave nightmares from gossamer and place them in the ears of people while they were sleeping, modern life produces nightmares far worse that those goblins are able to make. You are unlikely to experience significant additional risk from exposure to goblins. Indeed, depending on your own sexual preferences you may find them stimulating.

How can I get rid of goblins?

There are two methods. First try bribing them by leaving out vodka, food and pornographic magazines or DVDs and they may leave your socks alone. If this doesn’t work, buy a dozen pairs of new socks, wear them consistently for several days and then place them overnight in the washing machine with the door open. About 10 minutes before dawn slam the door and start the wash cycle. Any goblins trapped with the socks will be flushed away, though the socks may be unwearable after such treatment. Repeat as necessary until your problem is solved.

Won’t this damage my washing machine? I’ve heard goblins can be as strong as people.

Their strength rapidly dissolves in water, especially with detergent added.

Can they breed?

Apparently so, but we don’t know how this happens since only male specimens are ever found. Socks may form a crucial if unexplained part of their mating rituals.

Unkle Fulani’s problem page… no.2

Q: I’ve solved the goblin problem but now my washing machine is eating my socks. Why is this?